Cancer sucks

A different story about cancer

In May 2024 I was diagnosed with breast cancer in an early stage. This post comes now, one year later, as I am reliving those first days with the diagnosis: the deep fears, the surgery, the BIG unknown about my (future) life, the not feeling safe in my own body, and the visceral realization that life is limited.

I’ve been writing this post for weeks in my head, but until now I’ve felt a big resistance to sit down and find the courage and the right words to bring it out into the world. It has required me to go deep into the feeling and do quite a lot of inner work. I guess it is a reflection of where I am in the acceptance process and how much I validate the feelings that I’ve had during all this time. At the same time, it feels right to be sharing my experience as the next step in the whole healing process.

Different things were in the way of me writing this post:

• How do I dare to write about FEELINGS and CANCER, as one of those lucky ones who didn’t have to go through it all, one of those who is still here today?

• How do I dare to share my story as a difficult one, when I have the privilege to sit at my desk and hear the birds singing outside the window, while so many people around the world are suffering right now and being forced to live under extreme and far more life-threatening conditions?

• I am not here to write a nice story about how cancer transformed my life for good or how I unpacked it as a spiritual gift… no, this time, I am here to say that IT SUCKS, it really does! Should I keep this anger for myself as part of the grieving process or is it ok to share it?

• Will anybody benefit from my experience, or will I just spread negativity around?

• I actually want to bring awareness, validation and lots of compassion to myself AND to all those who have to go through such an UNCHOSEN and difficult process. But, will it be understood this way, or might I be seen as a complaining victim and make others feel sorry for me?

• There is still some SHAME in me for having been sick, as if I had made it happen by not knowing how to manage my stress levels.

This week though, the final push I needed to sit down and write came. I was reading a post from a public person who had lost her little daughter to cancer, saying how difficult it had been BUT how grateful he felt for the time they had together. It is not the first time that such a “positive” post about cancer or death has come across my way. And yes, I got emotional, very emotional. And yes, something felt wrong in me as well, because I’m simply not there yet.

A grieving process has many phases. One of them is filled with anger and rejection. Another brings love and acceptance. Both are REAL, and yet, they are far from each other; emotionally, but also in terms of time. While anger comes at the beginning of such a process, acceptance comes at the end. And the thing here is, that I am missing real stories about that first phase, which I believe is as true as the acceptance and love we might feel at some point.

Different stories are needed for different reasons: stories full of HOPE and GRATITUDE may help us be optimistic, find our inner strength, and bring some lightness in our days; and then, stories about fear, anxiety, and grieving are needed in the same way, so that everyone feels SEEN and VALIDATED, regardless of the stage they find themselves in.

I guess most people do the first part of the grieving by themselves, ALONE, and share their thoughts only when they are ready to present a “more socially accepted, not too discomforting, lesson-oriented, spiritual awakening and comfortable-to-read” story. This may be due to the inability of our modern society to hold space for the discomfort, to just be there with whatever it is… which can include anger, deep fear, darkness, uncertainty, or death.

I truly believe it is possible to get to a place of inner peace and safety at some point in the healing / grieving process. I also believe that without those stories full of hope, it would be even harder to sit with fear and anxiety. But at the same time, I believe there is no way out of discomfort besides going through it, with tons and tons of COMPASSION. Our own self-compassion, but also the compassion of those around us. And that may be the reason this post exists. Then, and only then, it might be that we can come to a place of gratitude, love, and acceptance.

This deep fear and uncertainty is what cancer brings into the lives of those affected, as if life itself, without cancer, didn’t already bring deep fears, challenges and uncertainty. We, those with cancer, are not relieved of daily struggles, relationship challenges, or other fears. Cancer comes ON TOP OF THEM ALL, and it doesn’t end with surgery or temporal treatment, it rather starts there. That C-word, the deep fear, that uncertainty, the visceral knowing that life is limited, stay with us every single day. Not to forget how much all of it intensifies each time we visit the doctor to find out whether our body is still cancer-free.

This said, I may come with one of those positive posts in the future, giving space to the good things that this cancer has brought to me. But first, I felt called to put this REALITY into words: CANCER SUCKS. I believe it is something we all agree on and are somehow aware of, but fewer people put words into it. This makes that those affected don’t always get what they really need. We don’t only need cheerleaders, or fancy sentences like “look at the positive side”, or “this too shall pass”, or “you should reduce your stress”, or “be strong”, or “you are on an almic / karmic plan”… which we may need too. But we also need a big big dose of DEEP PRESENCE, COMPASSION, and VALIDATION. We need people who are courageous enough to take on a little bit of our fears and help us carry the heavy load of uncertainty. I guess we need loving people by our side, willing to hold our hands tight and absorb part of our suffering.

Before I come to a close, I want to send much LOVE to my family, friends, therapists and doctors, who have helped me with their PRESENCE, COMPASSION and VALIDATION; by just being there, having me in their thoughts, and being courageous enough to ask me, with an open heart, HOW I AM.

Thanks for reading! Share this with anyone you believe may need to hear it.

Lots of love,

Núria :)

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