The power of Validation
How Validation and Permission Guide Us Toward Healing
"All human action is motivated by needs that seek to be fulfilled."
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
It completely makes sense to me that we are all seeking to have our needs fulfilled in one way or another. To become aware of these needs and learn how to fulfill them ourselves is, I believe, a lifelong journey.
Rosenberg suggests that our needs are universal and intrinsic to all human beings, with the fundamental ones being connection, autonomy, safety, and meaning.
For me, the power of validation lies somewhere between the need for connection and autonomy. Validation requires an awareness of our deepest feelings and sensations, along with a great deal of self-empathy and self-compassion to simply allow them to BE as they are, without the urge to change them. And in this acceptance of what is, lies the key to the power of validation.
How often do we try to change another person's feelings, or even our own, just because we can't handle them? How many times do we attempt to fix or cheer someone up when they’re going through a dark phase? This doesn't tend to happen when the feelings are "nice" or positive, but it’s a real challenge to simply BE with someone, also with ourselves, when discomfort takes over.
A couple of weeks ago, I was going through very difficult days, consumed by dark thoughts and fears about my health. It felt so overwhelming that I even lost touch with my inner self. I didn’t know what I needed until it was magically given to me, almost as a gift, from the outside. It was a timely reminder from a healer that it was okay, and even normal, to feel the way I was feeling in that moment. I don’t know why, but this time, her words and her "permission" clicked within me, and I realized I wasn’t just carrying fears about my health (which were heavy enough), but also self-doubt and self-critical thoughts for feeling the way I did.
It felt as I was amplifying my discomfort by trying to avoid it, instead of accepting it and surrendering to it. I was trying to change how I felt, who I was in that moment, driven by the fear that the discomfort would stay with me forever, which only caused more pain. Hearing that I was exactly where I needed to be, feeling what I needed to feel in order to heal, that everything was normal, that I was normal!, lifted the burden I had been carrying. And suddenly, almost like magic, the discomfort slowly began to shift into something lighter, easier to bear.
Accepting all emotions for what they are, an expression of our inner state, a reflection of our internal experiences, thoughts, beliefs, and needs, is something I’ve learned and continue learning through motherhood. I’ve come to understand the importance of simply being present with whatever is there, allowing space for anger, frustration, or fear to exist without judgment. What I realize, however, is that I often forget to apply this same approach to myself, struggling to allow everything within me to simply be, without feeling like it's wrong or that I, too, am wrong.
This, I believe, is a very important life lesson: accepting all that I am, accepting all that we are: light and darkness, love and fear, joy and anger, right and wrong. And it’s not enough just to know this or rationally accept it. It requires me, and all those learning to be more compassionate with themselves and others, to truly embody this full acceptance and unconditional love.
Lots of love,
Núria :)